As we grow older and believe we get wiser in the ways of the world, we slowly begin to loose the innocence of spirit and become more and more proficient in the ways of the world. holding a space of appearing fully in control of our lives becomes our goal and all our activities become projections of an ego that cannot seem to fail itself by appearing vulnerable and chaotic in any way. The appearances and projections take over our unique beauty and we shame in our weaknesses and incapacities to perform aptly in the melodramatic samsara of other people’s expectations and stories. We get too lost in holding our projection of being in control.

Then slowly seeps in a sadness within us which remains constantly as our alibi even though we are performing well in all our role plays well. We have the money, the places of power in society and in our relationships and the ego is all shining in pride. But inside you feel emptied and hollow as the self is deprived of any attention and worthiness and love. Then we start searching for the root of this sadness and undertake a variety of gymnastics. We go to therapy, gurus and try to coach ourselves to our primal joy. Inspite of our best efforts, the vacancy from within and the looming grief of having lost something precious is our constant companion reminding us that something isn’t just right.

The more we try to fix ourselves…the lesser we seem to heal. It’s like a vicious cycle where effort leads to more failure as the effort is the ego wondering …how can I not be perfect… How can I be depressed…Am I such a failure that I can’t even be happy?

What we never try to do is to let go and lean on the higher grace/ source/ Guru/ our true inner self that we are. All answers out of this agony and the rabbit and the carrot begin to end as we surrender. Surrender is the highest act of courage and love. Only when you have the spiritual guts to go down on your knees…can u rise to the skies. It’s difficult also as our ego and mind are super powerful and never allow us to give up. The ego just cannot stand powerless because that is its death.

My own journey is of this inner grief, the ego at its play and now slowly turning towards this sweet surrender to the Guru. While the emptiness is nagging and the grief very deep of having been totally lost here …. It feels so vain what all I have done all my life to master the worldly ways of success and the spiritual paths I have walked so painfully amidst my role plays…trying to balance and be so strong for so many people…I have disappointed the child in me who simply sought play and joy is it’s default stature.

It is said that when we feel lost, we go back to our source point or starting point and start afresh. I wonder many days how can we possibly unlearn our conditioned survivor mechanisms of 50 years of our life and start like a new born. How can one unlearn and unwind back to bliss and simplicity.

It may be the largest and most tedious spiritual excercise to remain silent like Bhagwan did and be in the saakshi swabhava or observation mode while the most horrendous things are unfolding around us. It may sound bizzaire, madness or even like a depressed attitude in life not to engage or give ones view point on allmost everything that comes our way. In today’s freedom and right to speech and expression.. every one has to comment on everything going on in the world otherwise he is not updated and in vogue.

My Gurus path is of silence, simplicity, self enquiry, observation and prema. And I realize i could barely even begin to see it’s vastness and purity even though I may be feeling I attempted at it the past decade. How can one begin to start ones journey to such an ocean of vast love. Without the salt doll losing itself in the ocean, how will she make this journey happen? So it’s now becoming clearer how we cannot unlearn until we let go….let go of being in control. Let go of the one who always wants to be in control.

It may be the largest act of freedom, courage and wisdom to surrender… If you have yet not started…please start today. It’s never too late.

May all be happy. May all be well.

Sharnagati

Om Namo Bhagwate Shree Ramanaya!